On Thanksgiving, taking grief and gratitude to the river side

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It's the seventh Thanksgiving without my husband, Lawrence Carradini. 

Like a lot of people who have lost someone beloved, I reconstruct his presence in memory. 

Today, I went for a walk along the Vandenberg Esplanade by the Merrimack River, part of Lowell Heritage State Park. 

This is a walk we made many times together. What delighted him most were the ducks bobbing on the waters, with their staccato patter, and occasional splashing of wings. 

A silvery late November sky ensured shadows and reflections -- the constitution of memory. 

I like to imagine a Heaven populated by ducks, and Larry standing on the river banks, talking to them in a language only he and they know. 

This, to me, is the right of anyone who is bereft -- and even if merely symbolic, even if merely a comfort to those left behind, it is complete. It is enough. 

The previous week, I enjoyed a vacation that included several woodland walks, and losing the trail on all of them. Simply to wander deeply into a different space, amid fallen oak leaves so abundant here in New England, was a way of finding. 

We live in a culture in which, on Thanksgiving, everyone is expected to express gratitude. 

This expected more of those who have lost the most than it is of those who enjoy abundance such that it is routine. 

As I counseled someone today -- it's okay to feel loss. It's okay to express that loss even while being expected to be thankful. 

Even in my loss, I do feel thankful, and recognize so much that there is to be thankful for. 

But it's not the duty of those in grief to express such feelings to alleviate a burden of those who might otherwise provide them comfort and solace. 

To truly express gratitude, turn to someone who has less, or someone in genuine need of comfort. 

For me, I will see the gratitude of a life lived in love, reflected on unstilled waters.

Meg Smith is a writer, journalist, dancer and events producer living in Lowell, Mass. She welcomes visits to megsmithwriter.com.





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